


don't

by epicallyducky



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Implied Suicide Attempt, M/M, this is just me venting through todd tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-06 02:05:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13401162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epicallyducky/pseuds/epicallyducky
Summary: “It’s too late.”Dirk opens his eyes.He wished it wasn’t.





	don't

**Author's Note:**

> if it gets confusing:  
> bold + italics = flashback/s

**_“I’m sorry,”_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“Don’t you_ ** **dare** **_say that, Todd Brotzman-“_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“I am, though-“_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“Don’t you_ ** **dare** **_-“_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“It’s too late.”_ ** **_  
_ **   
Dirk opens his eyes.   
  
He wished it wasn’t.   
  
He squints as the light from the hallway comes in contact with his eyes. He glances around, the sound of people bustling about and various intercoms making way to him. He reaches up to rub at his eyes.   
  
Straightening himself in the blue hospital chair, he crosses his arms. His legs are asleep and he moves them slightly to get the blood flowing again.   
  
Blood.   
  
**_“Todd?”_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_No answer._ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“To-?_ ** **Fuck** **_\- what did you_ ** **do** **_?”_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“D-Dirk… you’re home…”_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“You fucking idiot-“_ ** **_  
_ **   
He runs a hand through his hair, gently tugging at the ends. The door in front of him stares back at him; if Dirk was crazy he would say it looked sorry for him.   
  
Apologies are the last things he wants to hear right now.   
  
Dirk looks down the hall for any sign of Todd’s doctor. Not wanting to wait for him when he sees he isn’t there, he stands up, his legs almost giving out from under him. He mildly struggles to reach the door, both of his hands shaking when one of them reaches for the door handle. There’s a stinging at the corners of his eyes and he chokes when he pushes the handle down.   
  
Pale room.   
  
Pale boy.   
  
When he steps inside the hospital room his hands don’t feel like his own as he shuts the door closed. He sees Todd lying on the hospital bed; IV line attached to his arm. Todd’s other arm is covered in bandages and there are probably stitches underneath them. Dirk’s hand flexes into a fist.   
  
He forces his body to move towards the bed. His hands rest on the bed’s railing and his grip tightens at the sight in front of him.   
  
Todd looks paler than usual. There are tired creases around his eyes and Dirk hears the voices go off in his head.   
  
_ You weren’t there. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ You couldn’t stop him. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ What if this happens again? _ __   
  
Dirk’s jaw tightens and a breath escapes his mouth. Before he knows it he’s shaking his head and tears are falling from his eyes onto the white bed sheet. Sobs break free from him and he wants to be happy that Todd is alive and breathing in front of him but he can’t bring himself to.   
He doesn’t notice Todd is awake until he starts to speak.   
  


“I’m sorry…”   
  
Dirk feels like he should be the one apologizing.   
  
“Hey… Stop that…”   
  
Dirk’s head stops shaking. He feels his heart race up into his throat and it’s beating so fast it feels like it’s getting bigger and bigger and Dirk can’t seem to feel himself breathing anymore. He looks over to his boyfriend, who is smiling weakly at him.   
  
“Todd, I-“   
  
“I’m sorry-“   
  
“Don’t  _ apologize _ , dammit-!” Dirk’s voice cracks somewhere in the middle of the sentence, the feeling of shards of broken glass tearing into his chest. His knuckles turn white as his hands grip tighter onto the railing. His whole body is shaking.   
  
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,”   
  
“You were out-“   
  
_ “I should have been there!”  _ Todd’s face twists into one of concern at the tone. His eyebrows furrow and his lips form into a line. He suddenly starts to push himself up from the bed and Dirk’s eyes widen.   
  
“What are you doing-?”   
  
“Shut up for a sec, will you?” Dirk ignores him and reaches out to try and gently push Todd back down but the other boy swats his hand away with his bandaged hand. Dirk is sure that it would hurt to use that arm; the thought of Todd probably being used to the pain feels like the sky is being ripped apart right in front of him. The touch of a hand on his face brings him back to reality.   
  
“Shh, it’s okay,” Todd is sitting crossed-legged on the bed, the arm with the IV line resting slacked beside him. Dirk reaches up to hold the other boy’s arm, resting it on his elbow to avoid the bandages.   
  
“It’s not okay, Todd-“   
  
“I’m alive, aren’t I? That’s what you wanted.”   
  
“But it’s not what you wanted,” Dirk’s face quivers in front of him and Todd winces.   
  
“Maybe, yeah; alright,” Todd glances to the side, then back at Dirk. He moves his thumb to wipe the tears off of Dirk’s face.   
  
“I’m so sorry,” Dirk whispers, hands coming up to cradle the other’s face. Todd smiles sadly at him.   
  
“I’m sorry, too.” He says softly; lets out a breath.   
  
“On the ride here,” Todd starts, “I could see you out of my peripheral vision- from the back seat.” He shakes his head. “I remember how concentrated you looked, it felt like we were going so fast I was worried we’d get into an accident.” A laugh rolls off his tongue and Dirk takes a moment to whisper  _ “Beautiful,” _ in the back of his mind.   
  
Todd starts up again. “I really felt like I was going to die, y’know? I felt ready for it. I’ve been ready for it for so long now and I actually felt relieved that it was finally going to happen. Then you came home, and I…” Todd swallows and Dirk tilts the other boy’s head down to place a kiss on his forehead.   
  
“I saw you in the doorway and thought- I just felt so guilty, guilty that I hadn’t even thought of you in my supposed last moments.” He says. He sounds angry. “Then I asked myself if I was ready to let you go, and every inch of my body was screaming  _ ‘no.’ _ ”   
  
“I’m so glad you’re alive.” Dirk says suddenly, tears still flowing down his face. Todd looks up at him and Dirk can see every ounce of love and admiration in them; he hopes it’s a reflection of what are in his own eyes.   
  
“I’m glad you’re glad.” Todd laughs again and Dirk can see the tears forming in the other’s eyes. It was like the ocean was trying to swallow the sky whole; Two beautiful beings swirling together to try extinguishing the sun only to fail, because the sun is too bright; too powerful.   
  
Todd really was made up of beautiful things.   
  
And Dirk is willing to save every single one of them.

**Author's Note:**

> hi! so this was actually a fic i wrote 2 years ago for a different ship, but that former ship is dead to me now so i decided to replace the names and use my writing for something better.
> 
> i might post more edited old works so stay tuned for that i guess


End file.
